| I think I have some backpedaling to do right now. It is true, good things did on occasion happen to me during the winters and springs I spent in Boston. They happened while everything was going downhill though. Only in the fall was I able to completely enjoy the good things that happened. When I returned to the city with the feeling of starting everything anew, the feeling that I had been pardoned a few minutes before my execution. I hadn't done everything wrong yet. My triumphs seemed so much more vivid that way, like I was really getting a chance to enjoy them without the constant nagging of impending doom. In the winter and spring, my fate had already been sealed. I had screwed up more than I could ever fix, and while I did have glimpses of happiness, they in some way felt hollow, because I thought I should be accepting what I knew would be the final end of things. Going home. I have escaped it now, more than a few times, and at this point I have absolutely no clue how I am not living in New Hampshire, sentenced to working at Coconuts for the rest of my natural life. So, it was not only the fall that was good. But it was the only time I could accept it without guilt. Most of the time, I was surrounded by darkness. But thanks for reminding me that it wasn't always like that. |
